Saturday, March 1, 2014

One of my friend told me "You looks so happy" and I'm kinda thinking im my mind "yeah, why would I be unhappy?"
And just after lunch that day I started to complain about my job and my life to another friend. Then this another friend said "maybe you're not being grateful enough"
Yup, it stab me right on my heart. Gratitude has been my homework for ages, and yet, getting older didn't help at all. It upseting me that I can't be better after all of these year. 

I came up with a list of my deficiencies about few years ago, realized it, and keep trying to change it. I've been reading the bible (yeah, the bible. even it's not very often), made a note of the homily, and read some spiritual books. I had a bunch of good words, advices, and quote about how to be a better person, how to ruled out the hatred, grumble, sloth, and how to think and behave positively, and those good things do not change me at all. I put on some zen quote wallpaper in my computer and started a day by singing or listening to some religious song. Morning has broken, amazing grace, nderek dewi maria, Tuhan sumber gembiraku, balas cinta bagi sesama, you name it. I've been thinking that if I start a day in a good and positive thought, then the rest of the day should be easier. But it wasn't. The positive thinking only lasted a few moments until I keep murmur, hate, curse, and the bad words started to come out. 

It's frustrating to know that I realized that as the bible said " whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trustedwith much" and I'm keep telling myself that I shouldn't murmur but trust and wait for the God's time, but everyday goes with a complain about my job. I've been doing the same thing for 5 years and I've been studying but  the graduation hasn't come. I'm just fed up with this routine and waiting to for the changes while my friend went to Korea for a holiday and I'm not even allowed to take a week off. give me a break!!

I've just finished reading the Allegiant, the last book of divergent series and I'm aware that I hate the book because the heroine looks just like me. Well, the heroine should be good, right? she's going to give an example for any reader around the world. How could be a heroine with hatred, seeking for revenge and cannot be able to forgive? yeah, that's just me, that's just another people around the world. But the book has a point. It says that "everyone has some evil inside them, and the first step to loving anyone is to recognize the same evil in ourselves, so we’re able to forgive them" 

How could I forgive myself for being such this awful person? 
Another attempt to be a better person